Answering Your Call

I know the decision to be a full-time working mother is a difficult one. Sometimes it isn't even a choice. I'm one of the few moms who stays home with the kids during the day in my neighborhood. This basically means that my children have no other kids to play with at home since everyone else is in daycare, and my kids are completely unsocialized.

I notice that lots of the full-time work mothers study me when they see me on the weekends. They ask me questions. They try to plead their cases. Some might even think I chose the easy path.

Well, I can't tell you what the difference will be in our decisions for our families ten or twenty years down the line---though I do predict that my children will have a stronger case than other people's children to blame me for everything. But, I honestly have to admit one thing. You working mothers are definitely missing out on something.

No, I don't mean the first steps or first words. You are missing out on a ton of shit.

Motherhood has prepared me well for my next career. In the sewers.

I will be the Ed Norton of my family. Whatever your plumbing problem, I can help you. I'm like the Bubba Shrimp of ass cracks. I do Aquaphor-ing, finger picking, probiotic-ing, yogurt mixing, suppositories, you name it. I know every food source on the planet and the effect it will have on your bowel movements. I make a killer bran-prune-Metamucil muffin. Or, conversely, I make a delicious banana-rice-Wonder Bread sandwich. (Well, I used to back in the day when they understood and valued the binding power of the most processed food on the planet.)

I can unclog a toilet in a flash. And I'm a physic, too. I can read your mood by the color and positioning of your crap in the bowl. Seriously, I've got a gift. Even the pediatrician said so. I know my shit.

Need more proof? My favorite word in the entire English dictionary: sphincter. That's it. It's kismet.

Now it's just time to stop fighting it. God has chosen me. I have a talent, and I must answer the call. I can do Roto Router by day and ghost hunter by night. Just ask anyone who knows me.

I'm full of it.